On Monday I began to feel a little under the weather, there was that uneasy weak feeling tingling through my body and I was coughing every now and then.
Tuesday arrived and I knew a cold was coming fast, by the time Wednesday graced us I was visiting Cold City, lost deep within the confines of this horrible place. With the help of tea, honey and lemon I was surviving. I was able to go to work and function more or less like a human. A human that resembled a sloth, but still a human.
In the early hours of Thursday morning, at 01:16 to be precise, I awoke with a start and ran to the bathroom to be sick. This continued for hours until my stomach was empty and sore, my ribs hurt from coughing and I ached all over. I had nightmares, cold sweats and shakes through the night and overslept on Thursday morning completely missing my alarm.
I awoke in a panic, knowing I was late for work, feeling dreadful and as if I’d been hit by a bus. I quickly messaged the director of studies to let her know I would be late, telling her that I had overslept due to being poorly in the night and quickly got my act together. Somehow I only arrived 15 minutes late to work but that hour and a quarter lesson felt like forever.
I left the class three times to be sick, I couldn’t concentrate on anything, once my adult students had left I went to speak to my manager who asked if I’d like my classes to be covered. My instant reaction was no.
I know, I know, why on earth would I say no to being sent home when I felt so awful? Well I’m going to speak about something that we all shy away from.
I couldn’t (and still can’t) afford to take a day or two off work. At the moment every single penny counts and I have to be very strict with my spending in order to live in a very basic manner.
As the word no tumbled out of my mouth, followed by the much expected ‘I’ll be fine’, I felt faint and a cold shiver ran straight through me, I needed to get to a bathroom and quick. There was no way I could escape this, I wasn’t fine, I wasn’t even close to fine and I longed to go home and cuddle up to the cats until I felt better.
It took every ounce of self love I possess to ask for my classes to be covered for the day. I walked to my car feeling guilt seep into my very core. Questioning how I was going to afford next month never mind Christmas. I nibbled on my nails and almost turned around to go back to work various times.
Suddenly something hit me, I don’t know what it was, I’m not sure what provoked the thought, but I realised that at some point along the way I had lost faith in my beliefs. I’ve always said that as long as we believe that everything will be ok, the universe will somehow find a way of making it ok.
I blatantly didn’t think it was going to be ok, my beliefs had wavered so much that all I could do was worry. Worry about next month, worry about why I’ve been getting ill so often lately, worry about money, about christmas, about friends and family.
Well I’m taking a stand against this worrying lark because it won’t change anything, it won’t make me feel better and it certainly won’t solve the minor bumps in the road.
Instead I’m going to believe that everything will be more than ok. I will have plenty of money to spend on Christmas, I will easily afford my bills next month and with a little rest I will get better and stay healthy for a long period of time.
Sometimes we just need to give ourselves a good old talking to.